In Spite of You
By Eric Hoffmaster

Words can't describe
the feeling I feel inside
the hatred I have for you
if you only knew
what makes me feel this way
each and every day
I've cried so much
because of your touch
I left my life behind
to search and try to find
a way to make it through
all because of you
its happened before
but not anymore
you and all your friends
won't do it again
I stood up for myself
got a bit of help
I'm making it through
in spite of you

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Corners Of A Mind
Laying here- Eyes shut
Traveling back to the days
I had to become an adult
Because of an adult.
Laying here- Eyes shut
Seeing death
Lurking in the deep black corners
Corners no adult wishes to enter
But I- (A child still)- Have.
These places can kill you
If you threaten them
By talking- Telling
Because you were taught- Be silent
I control you- Ignore it
By a trusted adult.
Go to these corners
And guilt overpowers you
You dirty unworthy daughter
Of course you deserve
Everything you get
And knowing no boundaries
People use you.
Here in these corners
Grief and pain become unbearable
So long ago- You became immune to it
Because these corners- Know no mercy.
Here you create locks- Masks- Walls
To survive.
If you're lucky
There amy be an unlocked window
But you'll have to find it
I am too weak and scared
Lost and afraid
To move.
Laying here- Eyes shut
I scream no.

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A Letter

Daddy,
This is from your princess
Your little girl
This is from the one whom you took everything
Without remorse or guilt.
Just wanted you to let you know that
You were the first man to map my body
While I said good bye to my soul
The first to teach me to French
And drive a tractor
Or truck
While flying in the air
That's quite a trick you know
I guess I could thank you
For taking my sanity- At least I'm different
But you put bars on my windows
And so I sit inside
Looking out
A step behind happiness
But I could thank you
At least I'm not alone in here
Guilt sits next to me
Imprisoned for not doing something
And Fear sits here too
Cowering from men hands
Sudden noises shadows trust
Everything sends a chill down her spine
Makes her look back...two...three...four times
Pain rests here too
Bringing dreadful rain to everyone
While anger sits unnoticed in a corner
Stirring up dust but no one watches
Yes, I guess I could thank you.

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Poem for Everyman
By John Wood

I will present you
parts
of
my
self
slowly
if you are patient and tender.
I will open drawers
that mostly stay closed
and bring out places and people and things
sounds and smells, loves and frustrations, hopes and sadness,
bits and pieces of three decades of life
that have been grabbed off
in chunks
and found lying in my hands.
they have eaten
their way into my memory,
carved their way into
my heart.
altogether-you or I will never see them-
they are me.
If you regard them lightly,
deny they are important
or worse judge them
I will quietly, slowly,
begin to wrap them up,
in small pieces of velvet,
like worn silver and gold jewelry,
tuck them away
in a small wooden chest of drawers
and close.

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Giving Birth To Pain
By Serena, Colorado Springs

For each survivor, pain has it's own gestational period:
some months, some years.

It grows and flourishes in a garden of denial.
Then, one day you know it's time.

You fight it.  "It's too painful" you say.  But then...

You notice the contractions, now only months apart, grow more intense.

You can't ignore them anymore for they now interfere with your life.
You're forced to listen to your body.

The contractions, you discover, have moved to days apart and are
nearly unceasing.

There is no going back, you know it's real.

Consider yourself in labor... about to give birth to your pain.

The degree to which you resist giving birth to your pain
determines how hard and prolonged the labor will be.

Breathe... breathe slowly and deeply.

Yell, scream, for your pain has a voice.

That voice will serve you well in birthing your pain.

Go ahead, push it out.

There it is.  See it leave your body.

Face it.

Touch it.

Tell it how you feel.

Feel the relief and relax.

It's over... for now... until the next pain is ready to emerge.

Title Unknown
By Savannah Lee Eicher

he tried.
he didn't succeed.
he tried again.
he didn't succeed.
he hurt my child to hurt me.
I took my child and left.
my parents gave us sanctuary.
he threatened.
I would be dead within 3 months.
he came.
he left.
police could do nothing.
wounds healed.
bruises faded.
that was 17 years ago.
I live.
scars remain.
I fight.
I don't give up.
I help others who don't give up.
Few know.
They don't need to.
The work continues.

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Rape is Violence
By Marge Piercy

There is no difference
between being raped
and being pushed down
a flight of stairs except
that the wounds bleed
on the inside.

There is no difference
between being raped
and being run over by
a truck except that
afterward men ask if
you enjoyed it.

There is no difference
between being raped
and going head first
through a windshield
except that afterward
you are afraid not of cars
but half the human race.

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Surprise
By Norma, North Fort Myers

The muffled screams
Echo down
The passage of time,
Becoming more quiet
As the clock ticks by.
The shadows of agony
Wisp away
In clouds, mists,
Until I think
They've gone.

But then,
From the dim,
Nearly-forgotten past,
Comes a scream
More terrifying,
Wrenching,
Than those before,
And I realize, That I must begin
The process
Of forgiving,
All over again,

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Breaking the Mindbinding
By June, Norman

Unbrainwashing myself

Tangled vines, tangled lives, tangled thoughts
clearing up my thinking

Memories

My memories

Your memories
Was your brainwashing worse than my brainwashing?
Their rapes of me went deeper than their molestation of you

Rage

Sanity

Progressive Thought Anger

Outrage

Pain Adult

Powerful

Self-loving

Able to not give my power to my father

Battles ensue in the subconscious
and above ground
Battles are there to be won by survivors

Survivors

Recovery

Struggles

Searching in Recovery
undoing the damage done by tangled minds of sick males

Changing

Breaking the cycles

Protecting precious lives
Prevention of Abuse

Protecting teens struggling to work on the damage done by sick males
while protecting my inner child from sick males
Healing deep wounds is a lifelong process
of working through programming, feelings, grief, rate, stepping out of denial
and naming my perpetrators as sick

Untangling the Vines
Screams--suppressed rage is released
learning to speak is growth in recovery for me

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The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder

    It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you
ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

    It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk
looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventures of being
alive.

    It doesn't interest me that planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know
if you have touched the center or your own sorrow; if you have been opened by
life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

    I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, with out moving
to hid it or fade it or fix it.

    I want to know if you can be with joy, min or your own; if you can dance
with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without being cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations
of being human.

    It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true; I want to
know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the
accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

    I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy.

    I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

    I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand
on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!".

    It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary
and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

    It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came here.  I want to
know if you stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

    It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want
to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

    I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.
 

Forgiving Myself
By June, Norman

Coming to myself
I speak words of self-love
to myself
and words of rage
at my abusers
who have yet acknowledge
much less apologize for their crimes

I forgive myself
for not being big enough
or strong enough
to stop them

I nurture my inner child
who has lived through so much
pain and hurt.

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Then And Now
By Rosalind, Blountstown

I was vulnerable and helpless,
confused and afraid,
hurt and betrayed,
angry, very very
angry all at the same time;
I learned to hate, an all
consuming, deep, aching kind
of hate that only devoured me:
No longer do I blame myself,
nor am I shamed, I was
innocent, and for a long time
afterward I never really felt safe,
But somehow I have surfaced
not a victim, but a survivor...

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The Guide Said
By Julie, Knoxvill

The guide said
Build a Monument to the past
To show it was real
Then move on--

But I said
it will take My Lifetime to build it
To honor my past
is to move on.

The Monument is my art
is my work
is my living
is my moving on.

I honor my past by my sharing
by my creating
by my fulfilling
by my moving on.

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Crystal: Poem # II
By June, Norman

A 16th Birthday

You came to me
I shared my recovery with you
you have grown
Each day you grow
your strength in knowing/wanting
Recovery
touches me
I am more proud of you
than  I express in words

A 16th Birthday
is an exciting time
Look at what you've learned
since your teen years began
and give yourself a treat
for your growth
set some positive goals
work on positive attention
and on self-love
Separate selves

Separate perpetrators

Same cult

Same recovery

Reprogram the self-destruct tapes
Happy Birthday -- I love you Mom 4-9-93

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Surviving
By Kit

The wound cut deep.
Sadness.
Fear.
Confusion.
Denial.
Memories packed away...
You can't choose to keep
some and pack others...
They all go...
to survive.

Holding my breath.
Gritting my teeth.
Stressing.
Acting out.
Addicting.
Keeping secrets.
Doubling the shame.
Using...
to survive.

HITTING BOTTOM
Wanting to die.
Then wanting to live,
not just survive.
Asking questions.
Finding answers,
Asking more questions.
Loosing a sister to
The disease...
Making a promise

and keeping it.

ONE DAY AT A TIME
Going to meetings.

Finding the pain.
Finding the tears.

finding the feelings
and the way through
to the other side.

Using
the steps
the traditions
the telephone.
Telling the truth.

CLIMBING
Breathing.
Claiming my voice.
Claiming my personal power.
Knowing my values.
Knowing my needs.
Knowing my wants.
Seeing what I see.
Hearing what I hear.
Knowing what I know.
Feeling my connectedness
to the Spirit of the
Universe.
Walking my talk.
Stumbling.
Walking again.
Healing...

STEPPING
Slowly...
Learning boundaries.
Learning safe places.
Safe people.
Sharing the stories.
Truths.
Healing.
Recovery.
Discovery.
Sharing the living.

LIVING...
in process...
in the moment!

Back To The Top

 
A Survivor's Prayer
By Lisa, Clinton

Dear higher power
Please grant to me
The things I seek in life
To be completely me

Please grant me the courage
To accept the past I cannot change
To create a future of my own design

Please grant me freedom from guilt and shame
For I was an innocent child
It was not my fault

Please grant me strength
To endure the memories of my past

Please grant me peace
Freedom from my inner turmoil

Please grant me the ability to love myself
For the person I am today

Please grant me security
So as an adult I may feel safe

Please grant me laughter
To enjoy the humor in life

Please grant me the ability to use my anger to heal
To gain strength in my recovery

Please grant me friendship
To share both joy and tears with another

Please grant me the ability for shared intimacy
With a partner of my own choosing

Please grant me a life of fulfillment
So that I may escape the emptiness within me

Thank you higher power
For granting my wishes
With you beside me
I can now live completely free.
 

Comes The Dawn
(Author Unknown)

After a while you learn the
subtle difference
Between holding a hand and
chaining a soul,
And you learn that love
doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean
security,
And you being to understand
that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you being to accept your
defeats
With your head held high and
your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's
ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and
futures have
A way of falling down in
mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that
even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden
and decorate
You own soul, instead of
waiting
For someone to bring you
flowers.
And you learn that you really
can endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn...
And learn,
With every good-bye you learn.

Back To The Top
 

Rape
By Kristin R. Cooper
September, 1995

One step, two steps, a whisper and a breeze.
Glance around, who's there!
A shadow?  No that's just me.
A chill runs up and down my spine,
should I really feel this safe?
But it's him, a friend for comfort... or maybe not?
A smile, a touch, relaxing, but what is he thnking of?
My heart stops pounding, my muscles relax,
and comfort is finally found.
A touch, a smile, and then persistence, my comfort has flown away
The pain, the stench, the look of hate in his eyes.
It's finally over and now a blackness has come over me.
One step, two steps, a whisper and a breeze.
A void of despair, I feel as if I'm plagued with a disease.
Violation, pain, hate, and guilt,
they enter now into this world of despair.
What to do, where to go?
Who can help me now?
Comfort, relaxing, I do not know these words.
Embarrassment, despair, where's a shoulder to cry on.
Who to trust now, is he still out there?
What is left of my soul?
 

Me And A Gun
By Tori Amos

5 AM
Friday morning
Thursday night
Far from sleep
I'm still up and driving
Can't go home obviously
So I'll just change direction
'Cause they'll soon know where I live
And I wanna live
Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun and a man on my back
And I sang 'Holy Holy' as he buttoned down his pants
You can laugh
It's kinda funny
The things you think at times like these
Like I haven't seen barbados
So I must get out of this

Yes, I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you
Your friends
Your father
Mr. Ed
It's me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back
Used to hang
And he said "it's your choice, babe
Just remember
I don't think you'll be back
In 3 day's time
So you choose well"
Tell me what's right
To be on my stomach
Of Fred's Seville
IT's me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things that go through your head
When there's a man on your back
And you're pushed flat on your stomach
It's not a classic cadillac
It's me and a gun and a man on my back
And I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

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Two Beds and a Coffee Machine
By Savage Garden

As she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away
Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write

Chorus:
Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

And there are children to think of
Baby's asleep in the back seat
Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare
But the mind is an amazing thing
Full of candy dreams and new toys and another cheap hotel
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home

(Chorus)

Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
Another lonely highway in the black of night
But there's hope in the darkness
You know you're going to make it

Another ditch in the road
Keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it

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My Hand
By Amy, Alcoa

I am--
A multi-colored personality
 Lined in life.
I am—
Compassion
And ever-giving,
Even unto myself.
I am—
Growing
Stronger, wiser.
I am—
Passion--Fire, woman.
I am—
Ongoing,
Living,
Life itself.
I am – Becoming whole.

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Phenomenal Woman
By Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

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Angel
By Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escape one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

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This Is To Mother You
By Sinead O'Connor

This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you

All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the 'wrong' things you have done
I will take from you when I come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss
I will give you tenderness

For child I am so glad I've found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you

And I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

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Thank You For Hearing Me
By Sinead O'Connor

Thank you for hearing me (x4)
Thank you for loving me (x4
Thank you for seeing me (x4)
And for not leaving me (x4)
Thank you for staying with me (x4)
Thanks for not hurting me (x4)
You are gentle with me (x4)

Thanks for silence with me (x4)
Thank you for holding me
And saying I could be
Thank you for saying baby
Thank you for holding me
Thank you for helping me (x4)
Thank you for breaking my heart
Thank you for tearing me apart
Now I’ve a strong strong heart
Thank you for breaking my heart

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I Will Get There
By Boyz 11 Men

Oh...oh...ah...
Hey...
Yeah...

I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart
I have known a pain so deep
But I know my faith will free me

[Get there] And I'll get through this [Get there] I'll find my way again
So don't tell me that it's over
'Cause each step just gets me closer

(I will get there) I will get there
(I will get there) I will get there somehow
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now

I will get through the night (Oh, yes, I will)
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there
(Get there) Get there

I've been in these chains for so long
I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong
Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall
And I swear this time I won't fall
 

[Get there] I will do this
[Get there] No matter what it takes 'Cause I know no limitations
And I'll reach my destination, I will get there

I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there (Ooh) somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin' me now

I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
(Ooh, get there) Get there
(Get there) Get there

Well, the night is cold and dark
But somewhere the sun is shining
And I'll feel it shine on me
I'll keep on tryin', I'll keep on tryin'

I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow
Cross that river (Cross that river)
Nothing's stoppin me now
I will get through the night
And make it through to the other side
Get there, get there
 

I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (I'll cross that river for you)
Nothing's stoppin' me now (Ohwhoa...I)

I will get through (Through) the night
And make it through to the other side (Oh...ho...oh...ho...)
(Get there) Get there
(Ooh, get there) Get there (Whoa...oh...)

I will get there (I will get there)
I will get there somehow (Somehow)
Cross that river (I'll cross it for your love)
Nothing's stoppin' me now (No matter what)

I will get through the night (I will get through the night)
And make it through to the other side
(Get there) Get there
(Ooh, get there) Get there

Get there

Oh...ho...oh...

I'll get there

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Warrior
By Wyrd Sisters

I was a shy and lonely girl
With the heavens in my eyes
And as I walked along the lane
I heard the echoes of her cries

I cannot fight
I cannot a warrior be
It's not my nature, nor my teaching
It is the womanhood in me

I was a lost and angry youth
There were no tears in my eyes
I saw no justice in my world
Only the echoes of her cries

I cannot fight
I cannot a warrior be
It's not my nature, nor my teaching
It is the womanhood in me

I am an older woman now
And I will heed my own cries
And I will a fierce warrior be
Till not another woman dies

I can and will fight
I can and will a warrior be
It is my nature and my duty
It is the womanhood in me
I can and will fight
I can and will a warrior be
It is my nature and my duty

It is the sisterhood in me

University Counseling Services

Stillwater Domestic Violence Services